116/365 Any moments I want to relive

When I look back at life that has passed, I often wonder if there is any event or moment that I want to relive. I have never got an answer. There are places I surely don’t want to go back again.. but relive? I don’t know…. to be honest…

The challenge while looking back… especially for me is that memories don’t come in a structured form. It depends on my current mood and what I might be thinking just before this exercise. Currently what comes to me is my younger self in a uniform going to school. And again it is not a memory.. It is probably a specific photo that comes to my mind… and around me I can see a few other people.

I can see my mom, I can see my sister… some of the neighborhood kids I play with. then I can see some unclear faces. I know those faces do belong to people I know.. may be relatives and other friends. I have people there who belong to different phases of my life all at the same time and in the same frame. I don’t see my dad and the moment that feeling steps in, I can see his body on the floor. He died when I was 17 and now the image is much clear.

He is wrapped in a white cloth and again I see many people around him. Every face is clear… I see my mom.. my sister… my Aunts… my cousins… I see my swimming instructor and yoga instructor from back then who came and paid their respects to my dad. I remember the swimming instructor because he is not a person who would otherwise be at my house. I see the yoga instructor because he used to be home every week for a while. But I see them now…..

This moment is not something that I would ever want to relive again. But it is so vivid in my memory because I have relived that so many times in my mind. I can also see myself sitting in a chair outside.. and I can see my classmates come in a large group and stand outside the house. Everyone is confused as to how they should be reacting.. should they be consoling me… should they just show their presence… or just be there and not come near me…. But I can remember me thinking one thing very vividly…. that everyone of them have their dad alive.. except for me…. I can then see me standing up and walking inside and lying on a cot in the room and crying…

Well I don’t need to relive the past.. but cannot avoid reliving some of the moments in my mind… Such is life… So the whole question of are there moments I want to relive in itself is absurd for me.. because for me it does not work that way… I just relived a moment I would never want to relive… And one cannot help it…

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Categories: Memories, Writing Project

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